Heyo! Welcome to Aletheia Outreach, Chris Rosebrough’s latest grand gesture of stroking his ego in private…yet somehow still in public, so as to be seen by men:
I MEAN church. We’re a church. This isn’t weird.
First some pre-service music:
Wait a second—how did you get here? Have you been vetted by PASTOR? Ah. That’s right. You have the sacred GoToMeeting link. Just like Jesus did it. Well, don’t forget to set some matzos and Mogen David on the table and do a sound check, because when PASTOR speaks his all-powerful consecrating words, you’ll need to be sure that some of the sound-waves make contact.
Yes, this is what they do.
Those of us who have known Chris from the early days saw this coming a loooooong time ago. Saw what coming? Please, take another look at General Hamilton’s tweet. You either die draining the swamp, or you live long enough to see yourself become the swamp.
He didn’t want to take the time off to go apply to the seminary. No—the public needed him! How would they have dealt with life while he was cracking books? So he asked his pastor if he’d endorse him for the SMP program. Yeah, that’s right. Take it to the bank. This is well corroborated.
I wasn’t there, but this must have been the gist:
Chris’s pastor: “Uh…the SMP program? But that’s for…you know…liberals. It’s a weak-sauce fast track. We’re against that.”
Chris: “Yeah, well…I can’t go to seminary like ordinary people.”
Chris’s pastor: “How come not?”
Chris: “Uh, hello? I’m Chris Rosebrough. I’m special. Besides, if I stop breathing life into people via my internet radio station, the church will fall.”
Chris’s pastor: “It will?”
Chris: “Yes. Besides I’m already super smart and stuff. Smarter than a whole entire pastor and everything. I just need to get the badge.”
Chris’s pastor: “You mean ordination.”
Chris: “Whatever. I already know all the stuff.”
Chris’s pastor: “Well, be that as it may, the SMP program is shite and it’s for liberals. You of all people should be opposed to that. I cannot, in good conscience, recommend you.”
Chris: “OK, I’m peacin’ out. Gonna go somewhere where people will recognize that I’m a genius who’s too cool for regular school.” *Immediately orders clerical shirts, collarettes, and huge pectoral cross from Almy*
Now, I don’t know much of anything about the TAALC. I know that the LCMS is in fellowship with them, but I don’t know whether that speaks well of them or not. I know that some of their pastors went to an online seminary and seem to be none the worse for it, and I know that…there’s also Chris Rosebrough. They must be desperately trying to figure out how to put their toothpaste back into the tube right now. I don’t know if you’ve ever tried this, but it doesn’t work.
Let’s be real. Rosebrough sought a fast track into the ministry for the optics. The TAALC provided that way, probably without knowing what they were doing. Fast-forward to today, past the part where Chris is whoring himself at a conference run by a pseudo-Lutheran sexual predator: now he’s doing an online invite-only “church” for people who’ve been “hurt by the institutional church.” (Oh, please. Let me guess— this is the “Gospel for those broken by the Church.”) His actual church is just a physical front to provide him with legitimacy, like a dry-cleaner run by the mob, except that, at least in the movies, mobsters are cool and sympathetic, and Chris is not. He’s there at Kongsvanger so that he can be “Pastor Chris Rosebrough” rather than some nerd who carps all day on an “internet radio station” about “muh false teachers.” Yeah, well, if you lie down with the dogs all day, don’t be surprised if you come up covered in fleas. Apparently he’s absorbed their ideas by osmosis or something. He’s doing parachurch just like all of the schmucks he rails on…but he’s doing it the right way, see?
No, I don’t see, and neither do you, because we’re not idiots. An online video-conventicle with a tele-consecrated Lord’s Supper is not church. And the supper that they eat is not the Lord’s Supper. Sorry, but it’s just not. (That’s the worst part, the whole sacraments part. I’m sensitive to this because I grew up in a cult.) No, it isn’t described in these terms on the website, but this is absolutely what they do. I know because I talked to someone who’s “attended” one of the Aletheia Outreach services. Just ask Chris. He’ll even defend it. He’ll say it’s no different than using a microphone to project the pastor’s voice, yadda yadda. Yeah. Come on. Because someone sitting at the back of a big church has their own little altar set up on a TV-tray with their own elements. No, of course they don’t. “Our Lord Jesus Christ took bread,” etc. He didn’t just think of all of the bread in various places in the world, say magic words, and turn it into His body. For that and a hundred other reasons, this doesn’t pass a basic smell test.
You don’t need hifalutin theology to recognize that this is bogus. This is a guy who wants you to want him. He’s somehow not busy enough ministering to actual 3D members at a church that has actually called him to be their pastor? Really? Do you believe that? Maybe you’re reading this, and you’re a pastor. If so then you know that this is total crap. This man is just an internet addict LARPing the holy ministry. Why can’t these people go to actual churches? Answer: because Chris Rosebrough is the indispensable man. Or so he thinks. Any old pastor simply will not do. He is the anointed leader.
If that sounds culty, it’s not a coincidence. It’s culty.
Oh, and in case you’re wondering if you can give your first seed to Aletheia Ministries so that later you can stand under the rainbow and claim the blessing or whatever, yes, there is a way to do that. Give money here! You have to just laugh. What a sheister. To be honest, though, I don’t think Chris is malicious. I think he truly just believes his own hype. He’s also never worked a day of real work in his life (Vintegrity does not count, for obvious reasons), so he probably does need the money. Still, don’t give him any.
Here are all of the links on Aletheia Outreach:
They’re all on archive.org, too, in case he scrubs them. Hell, I sure would.
Anyway, just wanted to get this out before Chris preaches at Higher Things tomorrow. I’m sure your kids will learn great stuff from him. Sorry, buddy. I know it hurts, but at this point you’re just doing it to yourself. You need to give it up and go work at Target or learn to cut hair or something.